The day passed with little to do, and in the evening, Jun called Moe and suggested they meet up. They met at a terminal station in northern Tokyo and boarded the subway without any particular destination in mind. However, when Jun leaned in close to Moe inside the train, she snapped, "You're too close!" Jun felt anxious, wondering if they weren't actually a couple after all. Moe had been somewhat distant from the start of the day. Jun had noticed this, and though they had parted on good terms last time, a thought lingered in the back of his mind—that perhaps she was overcome with disappointment at being with a man who was still a virgin past the age of thirty—but he tried not to dwell on it.
The day turned out to be a disaster. When they visited Ueno’s Shinobazu Pond at dusk—early autumn, yet still holding the heat of summer—couples were clustered thickly along the water's edge; some even seemed to be getting intimate right there. Jun found the scene amusing, but Moe seemed to look at such men with cold disdain. Before long, clearly bored, she tried to head home from Ueno Station. Jun, fighting back tears inside, managed to talk her into staying; as they walked up the slope in Yushima, Moe remarked, "This area is full of love hotels, isn't it?" but Jun couldn't summon the courage to suggest they go into one. Moe likely sensed his desire to try for sex again, but Jun didn't know how to handle the situation. By the time darkness had fully fallen and the streets were bathed only in artificial light, the two of them stood at an intersection in Kanda-Jimbocho, feeling somewhat at a loss.
When Jun Kanai placed his hand over Moe Kitajima’s, she lowered her gaze and said in a wistful voice:
"I thought a man like you would have outgrown that sort of thing by now."
Jun was utterly disheartened, though he later came to believe that Kitajima was mistaken on this point. Men never truly outgrow that desire—not for as long as they live.
He probably should have taken her out for a meal and then to a bar, but Jun, unaccustomed to the ways of dating, couldn't pull off such a move. The best he could manage was to take her to an ordinary restaurant he had visited once before. The place was full of couples, and the women there were all reasonably attractive and skillfully made up; this made Moe’s bare face stand out as something unique to Jun, filling him with a sense of pride in knowing just how captivating she truly was. Yet, none of this got through to Moe—nor would it have been possible to convey it without offending her. In fact, flustered by her bad mood, Jun made the mistake of talking about a woman he had once liked; this only made Moe angrier, and she snapped, "I guess I'm just another one of those women to you, then. You're a real flirt."
After leaving the restaurant, he couldn't stop Moe from trying to go home, nor could he invite her back to his apartment, as her mother was visiting the next day. The two of them stood by the Odakyu Line ticket gates at Shinjuku Station for a long time, engaged in a conversation that bordered on an argument. It consisted mostly of Moe venting vague, sweeping frustrations while Jun tried to placate her. When Jun mentioned that the woman he used to like was likely still a virgin, Moe took issue with it immediately.
"If Ms. Kikkawa is a virgin, then why don't you two virgins just figure it out together?" she said—words that bordered on an insult, leaving Jun flustered. After more than thirty minutes of talking, Moe shouted,
"And you're thirty years old!"
She then turned and walked through the ticket gates. Jun tried to reach out and shake her hand, as he had done in the past, but
"Don't you realize this isn't the time for a handshake?" she said. The unspoken continuation of "And you're thirty years old" seemed to be, "...and still a virgin."
Jun returned to Osaka at the end of the month, still feeling dejected, and that night he called Moe, who was already staying at her parents' home in Ibaraki. She apologized, saying she had spoken too harshly the other day. When Jun asked if she could come visit him the next day, she simply said yes. He later learned that whenever a man called her at home, her mother and younger sister would turn into eavesdroppers; she was relieved that the questions required only "yes" or "no" answers.
She arrived the next day—mentioning that she had only been able to come because the morning drizzle had stopped—but her mother, sensing she was heading to a man's place, had tried to talk her out of it, saying, "It's raining; you should stay home." Jun was struck once again by how far removed her mother's mindset was from her daughter's actual behavior. Even though she was in his room, Jun didn't have the courage to make a move; they spent about two hours listening to CDs before he walked her to the station.
Shortly before noon on September 30th, he received a call from Narita; Moe told him she was about to board her flight. Afterward, he received a few letters from the college town in the U.S. He also had her phone number and called her twice during the day—her daytime hours. Yet, neither in her letters nor during their calls did she ever mention her British boyfriend. Eventually, the letters stopped coming.
＊
From that time, Jun Kanai began to sense his mental health deteriorating. It started with dizziness—which he self-diagnosed as autonomic imbalance—but gradually evolved into panic attacks. At the time, however, that term didn't even exist yet. He suspected the stress stemmed from a barrage of events, beginning with Yamaguchi’s intimidation; but by the spring of the following year, he was plagued by constant irritability, and by the time he returned home for summer vacation, he was suffering from a simultaneous onset of dizziness, anxiety, and depression. Perhaps he should have gone to a psychiatrist and gotten medication sooner, but at the time, there was no casual talk about visiting such doctors; he hesitated, and the days simply dragged on. Eventually, Jun began to wonder if his virginity was the root cause. He reasoned that while he was no longer technically a virgin—having gone halfway—he hadn't truly lost his virginity in the full sense. Rationally speaking, unless one establishes a stable relationship, simply losing one’s virginity in some random way wouldn't "cure" the condition; nevertheless, one day Jun decided to try "buying" a woman.
However, his mental state was too fragile for a full-fledged brothel. That was when he thought of the Ichikawa OS Theater. He knew that there, one could request a specific dancer and engage in the "real thing." His plan was to watch the striptease to get aroused and then go through with it in the heat of the moment. The start of autumn was approaching; the summer heat had lost its sharp intensity and settled into a sticky, unpleasant humidity. Jun got on his bicycle and headed to the theater.
There was no rock-paper-scissors game that day. Instead, Jun—who was sitting right at the front—had his hand grabbed by a dancer who looked to be over thirty, and he was pulled up onto the stage. Terrified that he might actually be forced to perform right there with this rather rough-looking woman, he couldn't manage to say much; the dancer toyed with him briefly before dismissing him back to the floor, complaining that he was a poor sport. He probably should have taken the hint and left then and there, but Jun had a personality that wouldn't let him back down once he’d made up his mind. Although there were many unattractive dancers compared to places like Deluxe Toji, he spotted one who looked somewhat appealing. After watching the women’s naked bodies for about two hours, Jun made up his mind and stood up; he gave the name of the dancer he had chosen to the attendant at the entrance and received a numbered ticket.
His number was called almost immediately, so he stepped outside and waited in a small shack—barely two tatami mats in size—that had been erected there. When the dancer arrived, however, she looked nothing like she had on stage; her face was aged and haggard.
"You know, I’m not really supposed to be doing this kind of thing. My job is to dance,"
she said, and Jun Kanai turned pale. Since strippers rotate through various theaters on ten-day schedules, whether or not they accept work at a venue that requires prostitution depends on the individual dancer's standing in the profession.
She bared her lower body and exposed her breasts, urging Jun to do the same; he removed his trousers and underwear. Seeing Jun’s pallor, the woman—perhaps realizing she had said too much—managed a faint smile and fitted a condom onto his completely limp penis. Jun tried desperately to rouse himself; he lay over her body and caressed her breasts, but his penis refused to stir. It was only natural; unless a man was exceptionally hardened, it would be impossible to perform after hearing a remark like that.
Flustered, Jun pulled away from her and tried to achieve an erection manually, but before long, he ejaculated while still flaccid. "What the hell? You're just a pervert," the woman said, ushering him out with a curt, "Alright, we're done here." It was the worst day of Jun Kanai’s life—worse even than the time of the bleeding incident. It was already pitch dark outside as Jun cycled home, feeling utterly wretched; the scent of a woman’s perfume clung to his body, and, worried that his mother might notice it, he tried to wash it off his arm. Yet, much like Lady Macbeth tormented by the nightmare of being unable to wash away the blood, the scent refused to fade, and Jun found himself returning to the washbasin again and again.
